A thousand questions

You know the feeling you get sometimes; the feeling of not knowing who you actually make a difference to, which lives you effect, who would shed more than a tear if you died, moved or just disappeared. It's a horrible thought, when you really start getting into it. What if you don't really mean much to many people, maybe not even a handful. What if you died, and only a couple of people morned more than half a year... What if some people even felt relief?! What if people you considered to be friends, actually thought. "Sad about Maria, but.. at least now I don't have to listen to her annoying ideas and thoughts again..." Or what if your family felt a grotesque sort of happiness to be rid of you, just because you were a little bit loud, or quiet, or irritating, or maybe just nobody important...

Maybe it wouldn't be AS horrible, but it would definitely be bad enough if only a few people got upset to lose you. And who do you really mean much to? Sometimes I just get these questions stirring up a mess in my head, because maybe you're not really that important, maybe I'm not that important. If I never contacted anybody ever again, who would actually call? Or come to my door? Only God knows...